100 Things France is Not Allowed to Do
by CelestiaLily
Summary: France has begun a list on all the things he is not allowed to do. Watch the randomness unfold... Pairings: GerTalia, FrUK, AmeriCan, Giripan & others. Short drabble, oneshot. Complete. Enjoy!


**Disclaimer:**** I do not own ****_Hetalia, The Evil Overlord List, Monopoly, Harry Potter, "End of Ze World", Twilight, Dora the Explorer, Barney, _or anything else referenced in this fanfiction. They all belong to their respective owners.**

**Warnings: Some swearing, minor pervertedness from France. Also some pop culture references that I apologize for.**

**Pairings: FrUK, GerIta, Greece/Japan and AmeriCan incest.**

**Enjoy!**

100 Things France is not allowed to do:

1: I must not use the "smack" maneuver in battle. It is neither effective nor dignified in any situation.

2: Especially when dealing with Russia.

3: _Nothing _is very effective when dealing with Russia.

4: Except Belarus, that is.

5: Speaking of which, flirting with Belarus is a BAD idea. Ukraine and Russia have a nasty habit of appearing at the same time Belarus begins to throw stuff at me.

6: I am not allowed to sneak my own dishes into other country's fridges. Gourmet French foods don't keep very well, especially escargot.

7: Although it wouldn't make a difference in England's fridge. Just store it behind his rock-hard scones and he'll never notice.

8: France, this is England. You are officially banned from my fridge when you come over. If I catch you snooping through my food again, I will personally put a dead frog into your bed.

9: If you insist, _mon cher. _I'll just sleep in your bed, then.

10:You do, you're dressing up as my pirate prisoner during Halloween. I'll have a cutlass by your throat the whole time, and no one will care.

11: … Scratch that, you're too kinky to torture. Just watch it, frog.

12: I'm not allowed to send a thousand roses into the World Meeting and sell them at one rose per kiss.

13: Selling them for real money is also banned, as it'll start complete chaos over trying to convert each country's currency into euros.

14: Thus preventing anyone from getting anything done. Germany is especially concerned about this, except when he's distracted by the number of roses he received from Italy.

15: For the record, it was 37. (Unfortunately, this was payed for in euros.)

16: No matter how funny it seems, I'm not allowed to prank-call China in the middle of the night and tell him Russia will invade his territory in 3 days unless he passes the phone call on.

17: He will undoubtedly take this seriously; and this will result in the call traveling all the way to countries like Lichtenstein, Sweden and Sealand. (Who doesn't even have a phone...)

18: I'm fully banned from spray-painting Austria's piano bright pink, even when I'm bored. He does not appreciate the new look.

19: Neither does Hungary.

20: I swear, that pan must bend time and space or something. She keeps pulling it out of nowhere...

21: When England and I are found in the same diner together, I will refrain from telling the waitresses that he is homosexual. They will assume he's in a relationship with me.

22: Even if I don't mind it. (And even if he looks relieved...)

23: Playing _Monopoly: World Edition _with Canada, Sealand and America does not give me the right to call England and say I own his Big Ben.

24: Even if they all dared me to.

25: I must also ignore my impulse to comment when I notice my little Canada trading the CN Tower for the Statue of Liberty with America. And blushing. And smiling at each other every few seconds.

26: Non, not a word.

27: When meeting with Prussia and Spain, I'm strictly prohibited from reading Prussia's "Awesome Me" diaries aloud to Spain.

28: Or calling them "diaries."

29: Encouraging Australia to give Italy and Romano boomerang-throwing lessons is a bad idea.

30: Italy will end up trying to demonstrate his skills near an expensive china shop, and Romano will get into a messy fight with Spain involving his bull, a bunch of tomatoes and Spain taking dance lessons.

31: I still don't know how that happened, but so far nobody can trace the incident back to me...

32: Braiding Poland's horses like "My Little Pony" is not a good idea, even if I blame it on America.

33: Attending Ireland's St. Patrick's Day party uninvited is not recommendable for the general vicinity.

34: Especially when a very inebriated England was challenged by Ireland to a drunken jig contest. Loser had to dress up as a leprechaun. Shirtless.

35: Guess who I've got the blackmail photos of.

36: … Can I buy them, aru?

37: In hindsight, telling Germany I may or may not have killed him/given him amnesia was probably not the best way to explain my "theory."

38: Granted, telling him that he once kissed Italy (Hungary was the witness,) and/or was _straight _at the time wouldn't have gone over too well either.

39: Both countries now think I'm crazy. Along with Austria and Hungary.

40: Although, Hungary seems to like the idea...

41: I'm not allowed to call Greece the "crazy cat guy," nor am I allowed to wear some cat ears and try to stalk his house for a joke.

42: Japan was already wearing cat ears when I got there.

43: Canada did not host the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics naked. Do not lie to America and tell him he missed it.

44: I'm not allowed to introduce Russia to Twilight, Dora the Explorer, or Barney. They scare me as much as they scare America, and he knows enough demonic curses already.

45: I'm prohibited from entering England's magic room and switching his spells for French cooking recipes, eyebrow shaving kit instructions or lyrics to Disney's "It's A Small World."

46: Something worse would probably come out anyways. 

47: Taunting countries in French, or any language other than Esperanto usually ends up with a slap to the face more than anything. (Especially when I call England a "biscuit-eating imbecile with a severe case of schizophrenia and tea-addled brain damage." Or my "husband.")

48: There is no such language as "Belgian" spoke in Belgium. I should know this; their main language is French.

49: Didn't stop you from going crazy searching everywhere on Google about it, you gullible wanker!

50: Dousing Russia's sunflowers with America's "Super Flower Growth Fertilizer" does not help them grow as advertized. In fact, they all died in a week.

51: Hey, no refunds, dude.

52: Sneaking all sorts of "Country Pickup Lines" into my radio show is not a good way to gain business.

53: For the last time, bloody frog, I do NOT want to "stimulate your economy!"

54: I shall desist my habit of assigning secret theme songs to the other countries.

55: Having wine at the World Meetings is a privilege; one that is specifically denied for the younger countries. (Same thing goes with caffeinated coffee.)

56: In order to keep my cover as a human being, I'm not allowed to turn my radio show into a "Country Gossip" station.

57: Especially if the gossip in question is completely fabricated.

58: Even the bit about China's secret love affair. And the bit about Austria and his piano.

59: Bringing up the infamous "Pirates Vs. Ninjas" war is strictly banned in the World Meetings.

60: Especially near England and Japan.

61: No "Aliens Vs. Cowboys" either.

62: Absolutely nothing to do with zombies, ghosts, fairies, monsters, superheroes, Jedi, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster as well.

63: The "Vampires Vs. Werewolves" one isn't even funny.

64: Considering that America ran screaming from the room at the mention of that one, I'd say it was.

65: I must refrain from mentioning any wizard jokes around England. Including the flying monkeys.

66: And the Hogwarts Houses.

67: He wouldn't even belong there. He would probably be sorted into that all-girls school in France. Suits his nature better.

68: For your information, France, Beauxbatons doesn't accept English boys into their school. Besides, any school that _you _can go to, I'd stay the bloody hell away from.

69: Any mention of "69" jokes is strictly prohibited around the younger nations.

70: You sly bastard, I see what you did there. Try ALL nations; we don't want to listen to that kind of crap in a meeting.

71: Above all costs, I will keep the existence of the "Evil Overlord List" a complete secret from Russia.

72: Or else we're all doomed...

73: Convincing America and England to have a "Battle of the Bands" is a strictly banned activity. Especially when the latter is quite inebriated at the time.

74: I got to sell the tickets, organize the bets, take plenty of blackmail photos, and make a fortune, non? Everybody's happy.

75: America's guitar was _totaled, _you wanker. Not to mention my favourite drum set, Japan's personal amps, and also the _whole bloody World Meeting building! _You've probably got a lot of favours to cash in to get rid of that mess...

76: … Wait, _what_ blackmail photos? … France? I'll get you for that...

77: The popular YouTube video "End of Ze World" is not an accurate representation of international relations, nor should it be treated as such.

78: But it's certainly an accurate representation of America, non...?

79: FIRE ZE MISSILES!

80: Do not tie Italy up in a closet for Germany to find, and then lock the door. This goes for anyone else.

90: I will not switch England's pirate costume with a punk rocker outfit to get out of being his prisoner for Halloween. (Any mention of his guitar tattoo will produce the same effect.)

91: Same thing goes for switching it with a sexy maid's costume. He'd probably force me to wear it...

92: I'm not allowed to threaten Spain into solving his pedophile problem with the help of Mexico and his supposed "army of undead Aztec warriors." (Even if Prussia, Mexico and I get a good laugh and some awesome pictures out of it.)

93: I must not introduce Japan to TV Tropes. It will ruin his vocabulary in Esperanto _and _Japanese, and nobody will understand his _seriously _confusing slang during the World Meetings. (Except for Prussia.)

94: Convincing Romano and Italy that "house hippos" exist is not a productive use of my time, especially if Italy tries to make one his pet. (Germany isn't usually pleased.)

95: I will not ask if America is secretly married to Lady Gaga. (Ditto for Ronald McDonald, Miley Cyrus, and Mickey Mouse.)

96: I must not record the "French" Nyan Cat version and hide tapes of it around the World Meetings. This will drive everybody quite insane. (Same thing goes for England's house. This is unfortunate; as it produces a _much _better result.)

97: During the entirety Christmas, Valentine's Day and April Fool's Day, I'm 100% confined indoors in the property of England's house until the periods of aforementioned celebrations are over. This has been a unanimous decision to benefit the general welfare of the other countries.

98: … Well, _almost _unanimous.

99: They _dared _to hold a bloody meeting behind my back, AND THEN THEY STICK YOU WITH _ME? _Of all the _nerve- _YOU'VE RUINED MY BLOODY HOLIDAYS!

100: *sigh* … I am sorry, _mon cher. _No matter what you say to the contrary, I did not mean for your holidays to be ruined by _moi_... It's actually rather nice being with you, you know. At least I don't spend my Christmases all alone, like I usually do... every year...

101: … Dammit, now I'm feeling sorry for you. I'll give you April Fool's Day to have your fun, (isn't it called _"poisson d'Avril"_ in French?) but you're _definitely _spending Valentine's Day indoors, with _me_.

102: Somehow, I'm looking forward to that, _Angleterre_... *grin*


End file.
